


Bite Me

by playout, PrinnPrick



Series: Love (and) Letters [3]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Epistolary, Gen or Pre-Slash, HP: EWE, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-23
Updated: 2015-07-23
Packaged: 2018-04-10 19:01:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4403504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/playout/pseuds/playout, https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrinnPrick/pseuds/PrinnPrick
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's not the dentistry that Draco is avoiding. It's the dentist.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bite Me

**Author's Note:**

> Let's play a fun game: try to guess who wrote who ;-)

Dear Mister Malfoy,

This letter is to confirm the cancellation of your appointment with the Healer. Please owl or firecall if you wish to reschedule, particularly if the tooth pain persists.

Sincerely,  
Apprentice Healer Boudear

 

\------

 

Malfoy,

Your mother just firecalled me to _re_ -reschedule your appointment and let me know I have permission to hogtie you and drag you in if you cancel again. I know where you live and I will enjoy forcing your lazy, dentistry-hating arse here, if necessary.

Signed,  
Healer Potter

 

\------

 

To My Beloved Son,

You have complained of a toothache for nearly a month--you must see a specialist! I know he is not your first choice of attendant, but Healer Potter is the best in London when it comes to dental healing. Apparently he and Ms. Granger have revolutionized the field. You know regular Healers can only do so much, my love.

Do not make me involve your father.

With all my love and affection,  
Mother

 

\------

 

Dear Mister Malfoy,

Healer Watkins is on sabbatical (still), which means Healer Potter is the only option for immediate dental care. Would you like to reschedule your appointment with him? Your mother has you down for next Tuesday.

Sincerely,  
Apprentice Healer Boudear

 

\------

Malfoy--

Tuesday. Be there. Or else.

Healer Potter

 

\------

 

To My Dearest, Most Loving Son, Who Is The Envy of Mothers Everywhere:

My darling Draco, I refuse to hear any more complaints, neither of your toothache, nor of Healer Potter. (If he is threatening you, it is only with the purest intent, I am certain.)

Just go see the Healer and be done with it, dear one. Healer Potter has offered an immediate housecall should you be unavailable Tuesday. Isn't that kind?

Love,  
Mother

 

\------

 

Draco,

No, I will not polyjuice as you and see the Healer in your stead. Twat. Everyone knows Potter wants to shag you, but unlike other Slytherins of questionable discernment (who shall remain nameless), I have no romantic interest in the Saviour. I may be your best friend, but even that has its limits.

Just get your tooth examined, cop a feel, and then move on, you big baby.

Love and kisses,  
Pansy

 

\------

 

Potter,

Seeing as even my closest and most trusted allies have turned against me, and Mother just informed me the wards have been attuned to your magical signature to allow you unrestricted access to the Manor, the only choices left to me are moving out on my own or submitting to your sadistic wiles.

See you Tuesday.

DM

P.S.  
If you hurt me, I will hurt you.

 

\------

 

Malfoy,

Sadistic? Me? Why, never! I am a Healer, and as such, I have an oath to uphold.

...Though accidents do happen.

Never fear, your teeth will remain as straight and white and perfect as ever in my very capable hands.

No accounting for accidents, of course.

But I assure you everything will be fine!

Unless there is an accident.

But there won't be!

Unless there is.

Healer Potter

 

\------

 

Dearest Mother,

I regret to inform you I shall not be in the country at the time of my appointment and, as such, it will have to be cancelled indefinitely. I apologize for the inconvenience.

I will be sure to send you postcards from my travels.

Love always,  
Your dutiful son

 

\------

 

Darling Draco,

I have cut your funds and had you removed from the Malfoy Gringrotts account until further notice.

I love you dearly.

Mother

 

\------

What's the matter, Malfoy-- _scared_?

Healer Potter

\------

 

Potter,

From the bottom of my heart: I hate you. Truly.

With deepest and most passionate sincerity,  
DM

 

\------

 

Dear Blaise,

How are you? It's been ages! I miss you terribly.

You know what would be fun? An impromptu holiday in the South of France!

As it turns out, I'm here already. Near Cannes, to be exact. You should join me! I know your mother's villa isn't far from here. We'll paint the town red just like the old days. We always could pull the finest blokes when we worked as a team.

Also Mother has cut off my expense account and I might be somewhat...stranded.

Write back soon.

Please.

Draco

 

\------

 

Drakes,

I'm sorry to say, I have informed Potter of your whereabouts and he is on his way to pick you up for your appointment. Your mother was quick to notify me of the proceedings and that woman can be quite persuasive (read: scary) when she puts her mind to it.

Just suck it up and let Potter probe your mouth already. (Feel free to read as much innuendo into that as you like). I will be sure to score some extra pull this weekend just for you, friend.

Blaise

 

\------

 

Malfoy,

I will find you. And when I do, I will tie you to my examination table and enjoy making your life miserable for three hours after the unbelievable shite I am being put through to get your arse back here. Your mother shelled out for an international portkey to France for me and two for the return trip. Guess who the other one is for.

The end is nigh, you weenie.

HP

 

\------

 

Potter,

You are welcome to try.

Perhaps you've forgotten, but I have survived one torture-happy, madman already. I don't intend to submit to another. My survival skills are a good deal greater than you've given me credit for.

See you never.  
DM

 

\------

 

Blaise, you traitorous SOB! You will pay for this. Mark my words.

Draco 

P.S.  
How do you think your mother would like to learn that you were shagging her sixth husband? Let's find out, shall we?

 

\------

 

Drakes,

She knows. And about the tryst with the seventh and his son. I never told her, she just _knew_. Mothers are a frightening lot. Anyway, I told Potter he should try appealing to your gay-for-saviours side. He seemed amenable to the idea...If that grin he wore when I mentioned it meant anything.

Blaise

P.S.  
Yes, I had him in my home. For tea. If you weren't in hiding you could have joined us and we could have made this a threesome. Selfish bastard.

 

\------

 

Malfoy,

What if I said the torture mainly involved undressing you slowly? And had nothing to do with teeth? Well, unless you like that sort of thing. I'm certain I can think of a few ways to make your experience with dentistry more... Enjoyable.

Potter

 

\------

 

Potter,

I'm listening.

...But after all the horrible threats you've made, you're going to have to be a good deal more convincing to make me ~~come out of hiding~~ consider ending my holiday early.

DM

 

\------

 

Blaise,

If we end up shagging and he's half as good as I think he'll be, I will forgive you.

If not, you're dead to me.

Sincerely,  
Draco

 

\------

 

Malfoy,

Seeing as you have no money, no place to stay, and no hair product, it seems safe to assume you will need someone to come rescue you at some point in the very near future.

And I only threatened because the idea of you squirming at the sight of me or my letters made _me_ squirm.

Now you can either hide forever (or until you need more clothes and a full toilet) or you can be brave and face me like a man. I promise I won't bite unless you ask. You have permission to bite me anywhere but my fingers, please and thank you.

Potter

P.S.  
I am wearing leather. Zabini thinks this is an important detail to add.

 

\------

 

Potter,

I am at the Villa les Pins near Juan les Pins. The pool is heated. If you were lying about the leather bit, feel free to make that true before popping over--it will be worth your while.

Draco

P.S.  
I'm afraid there can be no biting until this damnable toothache is resolved. Let that be more incentive for you to be quick and gentle. With the healing, I mean. The bedroom is a different story.

 

\------

 

Dear Mrs. Malfoy,

Thank you for transporting me to France and generously providing for my stay. It was lucky Zabini happened to be in the area and kind enough to point me in the right direction, as you said he would be. (I think he is afraid of you.)

Draco has been located and he is just fine. He had a bad cavity that rotted to the root, most likely due to his daily sweets habit and refusal to see me sooner. It took a bit of time (and a lot whingeing on his part), but his tooth is now healed and shouldn't trouble him any longer, provided that he keeps his appointments from now on.

As for when we will be returning home, somehow Draco was able to bribe the other specialist, Healer Watkins, into ending his sabbatical early and I was told by my supervisor that I am not expected back until next month.

So...next month, then.

Draco says he loves you but won't be able to write for a while as ~~his hands will be occ--~~

Never mind.

Thanks again!

Healer Potter


End file.
